From Survival Mode To Perspective With The Body Keeps The Score

Trauma doesn’t just sit in the past like a story you can close. It lives in the body, in the nervous system, and in the reflexes that fire before you can think. We’re talking about what The Body Keeps the Score helped me see this week while I watched someone I care about hit a breaking point, and why that kind of moment is heartbreaking not because someone is “weak,” but because it reveals how much they’ve been carrying in silence. 

I wrestle with the uncomfortable middle ground between accountability and understanding. I can name betrayal, lies, and harm without pretending it didn’t matter, while also asking a deeper question that changes everything: what happened to them that created this pattern? That one shift doesn’t excuse behavior, but it does create perspective, and perspective often heals more than anger ever does. We also talk about the “debts” the body collects: chronic stress, resentment, guilt, unresolved trauma, and the way survival mode can turn normal life into constant threat detection. 

Then I turn it back on myself: how many of my limits are real, and how many are just stories I repeat when I’m tired, stiff, and doubting? I share what actually helps me move from self-sabotage to self-trust, including small wins, speaking to myself with compassion, and getting real professional support. The song pick, “Save Me” by Jelly Roll, becomes a mirror for that feeling of being trapped by your own beliefs, and a reminder that healing isn’t rescue, it’s participation. 

If any part of this hits close to home, listen through and then share it with someone who needs a softer, truer perspective today. Subscribe, send this to a friend, and leave a review so more people can find the show, then message me with one win from your week.

Transcript

Welcome and A Serious Reflection

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Hey there, it's Trina at the trailer. Trina the trailer park girl. Trina has a lot to say about living in a trailer park, but we'll get to that later. Not a lot of stories to tell this week. It's been actually a fairly good week. I will I will reside with what my topic is today, and then we'll dig into some fun stuff that's actually happened to me this week. But this one is fairly serious because I was spending time with a friend this week and I found myself sitting quietly reflecting on something I've been reading. The Body Keeps Score by Dr. Bessel Vanderkook. Actually, I was introduced

Trauma Lives In The Body

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to this book probably about two years ago when I was trying to decide whether a particular person that had hurt me in my life was a good person or a bad person. I was struggling with that unbelievably, and my therapist recommended that I read this book. And if you've never read this book, it isn't actually beach reading. It's one of those books where you finish a chapter and then stare at the wall for 20 minutes thinking, well, that explains a lot. Because the central premise is surprisingly simple. Trauma just doesn't live in our memories, it lives in our bodies, it lives in our nervous systems, it lives in our reactions, it lives in our relationships, and often it lives in places we don't even realize. One of the things that struck me most is that trauma isn't necessarily the event itself. It's what happens inside us after the event. Two people can go through the exact same experience and emerge completely differently. One person processes it, talks about a lot, receives support, and the other buries it, pretends it never happens, brushes it off, keeps moving, keeps working, keeps smiling, keeps saying they're fine until one day they aren't. And that's what I found myself thinking about this week. Because watching someone experience a mental breakdown is heartbreaking. Not because they're weak, not because they failed, but because you realize they probably care they've been caring far more than anyone knew. Probably themselves as well. And if there's one thing I've learned over the past few years, is that human beings can carry an incredible amount of pain before they finally crack. But eventually something has to give. Maybe it's anxiety, maybe it's addiction, maybe it's depression, and maybe it's rage, maybe it's chronic illness. I've seen a lot of those from people in my past. But maybe it's simply waking up one day and realizing you can't keep doing life the way you've been doing it. The book talks extensively about how trauma changes the brain, how the brain becomes stuck in survival mode, how the body begins responding to ordinary situations

Survival Mode Changes Everything

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as if danger is everywhere. And then suddenly so many things start to make sense to me. Not about my just about my friend or not just about myself, but about people I've loved. About people who hurt me, about relationships that left me confused. Because if someone spends years operating from survival mode, they're often reacting to old wounds instead of present reality. They're fighting battles that ended years ago. They're protecting themselves from dangers that aren't actually in front of them. And unfortunately, when people are unhealed, everyone around them often pays the price. That realization was uncomfortable because for a long time I viewed certain people in my life through a lens of anger. I focus on what they did, the betrayals, the lies, the

Understanding Without Excusing Harm

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disappointment, the hurt. And while accountability absolutely matters, this book challenged me to look a little deeper, not to excuse the behavior, but to understand it because there's a difference. Understanding isn't forgiveness, understanding isn't permission. Understanding is simply seeing the whole picture. And sometimes the whole picture is tragic. Sometimes the people who hurt others are deeply hurting themselves. Sometimes people spend decades running from pain they never dealt with. Sometimes they become so disconnected from themselves that they can't form healthy attachments. They just can't regulate emotions, they can't main maintain trust, they can't sustain intimacy. And eventually every relationship becomes collateral damage. That doesn't make their actions acceptable, but it does make them understandable. And honestly, that realization gave me something I wasn't expecting. Peace. Not complete peace, but enough peace to stop asking why do they do that to me? And start asking, what happened to them that created this pattern? Because those are very different questions. One keeps us trapped, the other creates perspective. And the older I get, the more I realize perspective perspective is often what heals us. Not revenge, not karma, not seeing someone fail. Perspective. The ability to step back and see that every single person is carrying something. Some carry it well, some don't, some seek help, some refuse, some heal, some repeat. And that's where I found myself arriving this week. I don't necessarily believe that some cosmic force punishes people for every bad thing they've done. But I do believe there's consequences to how we live. I believe chronic stress stress affects the body. I believe guilt affects the body. I believe resentment affects the body. I believe unresolved trauma affects the body. I believe carrying secrets affects the body. I believe living in constant conflict affects the body. And eventually our minds and bodies are

The Body Collects Unpaid Debts

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start demanding payment for deaths, depths, debts we've been avoiding for years. Not because the universe is punishing us, but because our nervous systems were never designed to carry that much weight forever. And maybe that's the lesson I've been learning lately. The goal isn't to win, the goal isn't to be right, the goal isn't to watch someone's life fall apart and feel vindicated. The goal is healing. Because if the body keeps store teaches us anything, it's this. What we refuse to deal with today eventually becomes something we're forced to deal with tomorrow and often at a much higher cost. I also had to step back and look at this book and realize how much it actually changed the way I looked at myself. Not just other people, me.

The Story I Tell About My Body

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I listened to the body keep score twice now. The first time I was absorbing information, the second time I was hearing myself in it. And that was uncomfortable because I realized something. My body is not nearly as fragile as my mind sometimes convinces me it is. And I think that's why I've gained so much weight because I decide to be stagnant rather than movement. And now let's be honest, I'm not 25 anymore. I'm overweight, I'm stiff. Some mornings I get out of bed and every joint seems to have an opinion about it. There are days when my body feels like it's fighting me before I even have my first coffee. But when I'm forced into a challenge, I do it every single time. I hauled lumber and I helped build a deck. I moved in my life, I moved my life into a trailer, I run a magazine, I drive countless hours, I meet deadlines, I navigate heartbreak, I manage staff, and I keep showing up. No matter how tired I am. And when I really stopped and thought about it, I realized something profound. The limitation is often not my body. It's the story I'm telling myself about my body. It's the voice that says you can't, the voice that says this is too much, the voice that says you're tired, or why is this always happening to you? And if I'm not careful, that voice can push me into victim mode, not permanently, but temporarily. A place where frustration turns to anger, where exhaustion turns into resentment, where challenges start feeling personal. And the fascinating thing is that once I actually do the thing I was convinced I couldn't do, I look back and wonder why I doubted myself in the first place. That deck got built, the issue always gets printed, the bills get paid, the magazine gets delivered, the crisis passes, the work gets done, the body hurts, but the body survives. And I started wondering how many of us are carrying around stories about ourselves that simply aren't true anymore. Stories that were born from old experiences, old wounds, old fears, old disappointments, or people convincing us that we can't. Or we're not enough. The book talks about how trauma shapes our perception of ourselves and the world around us. And maybe that's one of the biggest ways it does. Not through dramatic breakdowns, but through quiet beliefs we carry every day. The belief that we're incapable, that we're damaged, that we'll fail. The belief that nobody understands, the belief that we're alone. And for me, one of the greatest gifts I discovered is having outlets. This podcast, my journal, writing, talking, sharing, reflecting.

Why I Talk It Out

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Some people hear that and think it's oversharing. Some people think certain thoughts should stay private. Some people get uncomfortable when conversations become too real. And honestly, I've reached a point where I'm okay with that. Because every time I sit behind this microphone and speak honestly about what I'm experiencing, I feel lighter afterward. Every single time. And it's as if the weight isn't sitting exclusively inside of me anymore. I'm a person that naturally needs to vent to get things out of my mind. I can't sit here and cry. I don't cry a lot. Maybe I don't cry enough. But to speak my feelings, to speak my thoughts, to speak everything that's happened to me and how I visualize the story, it's been released. Not dumped onto someone else. Released. And I think there's a difference because I'm not looking for people to solve my problems. I'm not looking for sympathy or validation. What I'm looking for is connection. The possibility that someone listening is sitting in their car, walking their dog, folding laundry, or staring at their ceiling, thinking, thank God somebody feels this way too. Because that's what I've discovered through all this. Healing isn't always found in silence. Sometimes healing is found in expression. Sometimes healing is found in saying the thing you've been carrying for years. Sometimes healing is found in realizing you're not the only one. And maybe that's why I keep coming back to this microphone week after week. Not because I have the answers. Not because I figured life out. Not because I've healed every wound, because I certainly haven't. Because every conversation leaves me feeling a little lighter than before, a little clearer, a little calmer, a little more connected to myself. And maybe that's what hack healing actually looks like. Not one giant giant breakthrough, not one perfect moment. Just releasing a bit of weight every day until your body finally realizes it's safe enough to stop carrying alone. If you listen from episode one, season one to now, you'll see how much I've grown and changed. And as my friend and I talked, I found myself sharing some of the things that have general genuinely helped me over the years. Not because I've mastered any of them, not because I've got life figured out,

Small Tools That Actually Help

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because they made a difference. And one of the game changers for me was changing the conversation I have with myself when things go wrong. For years if something failed, I failed. If a relationship ended, I wasn't enough. If someone hurt me, there must have been something wrong with me. If a business challenge appeared, I immediately focused on what I'd done wrong. I could find my faults in seconds, but ask me what I liked about myself, that was a lot harder. Now when something goes round wrong, I force myself to look at the whole picture. What did I do right? What strengths did I bring? What lesson did I learn? What challenge did I overcome? What would I tell a friend if they were sitting in my chair? It's amazing how quickly our perspective changes when we think and we speak to ourselves with the same compassion we offer others. Another huge shift has been recognizing that life is incredibly short, far shorter than most of us want to admit. I've spent too much time to fit into spaces where I wasn't valued, trying to give and convince people to love me, trying to earn approval, trying to maintain relationships that drain me. Today I'm much more interested in alignment. Who makes my heart sing? Who leaves me feeling energized instead of exhausted? Who can I completely be myself around? Who supports my growth instead of resenting it? The older I get, the more I realize that the people we surround ourselves with either exp expand our lives or strength or strengthen. So choose wisely. Another thing I've learned to stop making permanent conclusions based on temporary feelings. A bad day is not a bad life. A setback is not a failure. A rejection is not proof of worthlessness. A difficult season is not the entire story. When we're struggling emotionally, our brains have a remarkable ability to convince us that the current moment will last forever. And it won't, it never does. I've also become a huge believer in small wins, not giant giant transformations. Small wins. Making the bed, going for a walk, doing my podcast weekly, calling a friend, finishing one task I've avo I've been avoiding. Taking a shower when you really don't feel like it. These things sound ridiculously simple until you're struggling. Then they become victories. They and victories become build momentum. Momentum builds confidence. Confidence builds belief. And belief changes everything. I've learned to stop waiting until I feel motivated. Motivation is unreliable, especially when you're tired. Action comes first. The feeling often off often follows. But if there's one thing I would tell anyone who's struggling, especially someone stuck in self-sabotage, it would be this get help, real help, professional help. Therapy changed my life. Not because a therapist solved my problems. Not because I walked in broken and walked out fixed. But because

Therapy and Telling The Truth

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therapy gave me tools. It gave me awareness to help me identify patterns. It challenged beliefs I didn't even realize I was caring. It taught me how much of my present was being influenced by my past. And perhaps most importantly, it gave me a safe place to tell the truth. The truth about my fears, my anger, my grief. The truth about the stories I was telling myself. Healing doesn't happen because we ignore our wounds. Healing happens when we're willing to look directly at them. And that's probably the biggest lesson I've learned from all this. You don't heal by pretending you're okay. You heal by becoming curious. Curious about your reactions, curious about your patterns, curious about your pain, and about why things trigger you and others don't. Because often on the other side of curiosity is freedom. And if you're listening today and you're struggling, please know this. You're not your worst mistake. You're not your worst relationship. You are not your diagnosis. You are not your trauma. You are not your bad day. You are not the story your fear keeps telling you. You are a human being doing the best that you can with what you know today. And tomorrow you can know a little more. Heal a little more, trust a little more, love yourself a little more, and sometimes that's enough to change the direction of an entire life. This week's song is Save Me by Jelly Roll. If there was ever a song that captures the feeling of caring, trauma, self-doubt, regret, and emotional exhaustion, this is the

Save Me and Self-Sabotage

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one. What makes this song so powerful isn't that it's about being broken. It's about finally being honest about being broken. And that's what struck me while listening to The Body Keep Score and reflecting on conversations this week. So many of us spend years trying to appear strong, keep moving, keep working, keep helping everyone else while carrying things that are weighing us down. Then one day we realize we're just exhausted. Not physically, soul exhausted. The lyric that stands out the most to me is somebody save me, me from myself. Those seven words perfectly describe what self-sabotage feels like. Not being defeated by other people, not being defeated by circumstances, being trapped by your own feelings, fears, beliefs, and wounds. The beautiful thing about this episode, though, is that it isn't really about being saved by someone else. It's about realizing that healing starts when we become active participants in our own recovery, through therapy, journaling, conversations, podcasts, through finding people who make our hearts sing instead of people who drain our spirits, people who believe in us. For me, this podcast has become part of that healing process. Every time I speak honestly, I feel a little lighter. Every time someone messages me saying, I thought I was the only one, I'm reminded why vulnerability matters. Because maybe being saved isn't about someone coming to rescue us. Maybe it's about finally giving ourselves permission to heal. This week's song is Save Me by Jelly Roll. A reminder that the hardest relationship we'll ever repair is the one we have with ourselves. So I'm going to share some wins this week. And if you're on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, I really want you to share them with me as well. Feel free to DM me, any which way it goes.

Weekly Wins and A DM Invite

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I started off having kind of a very weird week. Something hurt me really badly, and I had to rectify it in my head and how to move forward with it. And I did. And it was a process that I probably never put myself through before. And I started to realize and counter argue thoughts in my head that I had from the past. And I realized that this situation wasn't the way I saw it, it was the way I assumed it. And I had to get dressed, dress up, and head to Toronto. And as I left this beautiful area of Lambton shores and slowly got myself into Waterloo and moved on to Toronto, I realized how much my eyes were itching

Dyson Event and Feeling Seen

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me. And by the time I got to Toronto, my eyes were burning and I was so embarrassed because I was going to a Dyson event. And you don't get invited to a Dyson event if you haven't made a difference. But I didn't realize that at the time. So I tried doing some drops. And I walked in, my eyes were all red, and I was greeted by the team at Dyson that came from England to show us all the new product innovations. And I'm like, I gotta go wash my eyes. Like my eyes are killing me. I'm so sorry. My allergies are really acting up. And a few people said, Yeah, yeah, it's mine too. So they had one of these cooling, these handheld cooling devices. And as they walked around and showed me all the products, I tried it. I'm like, oh my God, this is so good on the eyes. I'm just gonna stand here. So I use a little comic relief along with uh watching and listening to the demonstrations, which were pretty darn cool. Dyson knows their stuff. But it was so crazy because along the way, Carl Ones, he's a television personality, a lifestyle decorator. He's been on Maryland Dennis and Breakfast Television for over 30 years. He came up to me and he gave me a hug and he goes, It's so nice to see you. And I was kind of shocked, thinking, how in the world do you remember me? And he started telling the younger girls, you know, you don't realize this, but I've been on TV for 30 years. But when you say you don't know me, I always say, ask your mom. And I spoke up and I said, and I'm one of those moms. And then he gave me another hug. So it was kind of surreal because I had a hard week, hard weekend, not believing in myself. The magazine has daily struggles, and I'm the lead captain to steer the ship, and that's very difficult at times. But as I drove away out of Toronto, I thought, hmm, I kind of fit this Toronto scene. I think in a small way I made it. I made my mark after all these years. You know, for people to recognize me when I walk into a room, not because I'm fat or chubby, but because I have other parts of me, the comical side, the conversational side, the empathetic side that people remember. And I just had to remind myself of that and think, wow, you've made a difference. You actually made a difference because people remembered you. And today I heard from Dyson again, thanking me for attending. There was only three that were invited to that particular hour. It was a very exclusive event. Again, very honored to be invited. And it just made me realize that sometimes we value ourselves far lower than we actually are. And the work that we put in doesn't seem like it's enough, but it actually is to make a difference. My friend is coming here for a week, and we've dedicated ourselves to fill out our Mom, I want to hear your story book. So I'm going to be spending the weekend in a couple days working on this book for my daughter alongside my friend. I think that should be a lot of fun. I'm looking forward to that. And it's these little things that bring us happiness and joy, togetherness, no expectations, just probably having a few drinks and filling out this book for our kids. And as we age, life can be hard. Like I said, my body kills me at the best of times. And I'm extremely overweight. And I started doing this lymphatic. What's it called? Hold on a minute. It's lymphatic, not cleanse. It's an app called Leapley.

Lymphatic Reset and Body Alignment

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And it encourages to wake up our lymph. Our lymph. Somewhere between the pelvic bone and from what I saw in the little cartoon that made me buy the app. So I've been on day four, and it actually works. You know that bloated belly that we get? It's actually gone down as well. My movements seem to have a little bit more flow. This is day four. My lymph is only supposed to be activated fully. Come day seven. It says day seven, my lymph finally woke up. So I will keep you informed of that. And on week two, the puffiness finally left. So hopefully a lot of this fat is the puffiness that's gonna finally leave. So I'm excited to try this. I am open to anything now in order to get my body, mind, and soul aligned. Fixing up this trailer. It's my final story. I'm a little too bougie for this. And when I say my bougie,

Trailer Life and Finding Home

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I just like to have things in a certain place. When I cook, I don't want to be hunting and washing stuff because there's spider webs on it. I don't mind doing this for a weekend, but I certainly don't think I'll be doing it another year. You know, when I first started this venture, I thought, yeah, do this, and then come October, travel to Italy and Spain, and I don't think I can live out of a suitcase for that long. I really don't think so. I have been searching for home since 2018, and this very much is home. I do feel at home, but I still feel like I'm in a really small home. So I think for my business sake, for my sake, and sanity, I think I will be returning back to the area where my magazine resides, but I will not move into the city. I couldn't handle it. Just a few times that I've been up there in the traffic and chaos, I I can't do it anymore. I just enjoy the back roads, I enjoy the country, I enjoy the air. Too much to succumb to that every day of the week. I I I I'd probably go in the city once a week and make a good schedule of appointments and then back out. So who knows, maybe maybe Drumbo maybe air, but definitely nowhere on the other side of Kitchener, Stratford, no. New Hamburg, no. I'm thinking maybe Air, Paris, West Gold. Westgalt, I think I could do again. But we'll see. And I'm pretty excited to see what the next few months will bring. Because the magazine is turning. There is a pulse to it. There's actually an active pulse to it. It always had a pulse, but now it's an active pulse. And that's very exciting in itself, too. So, with all these good things I'm sharing and my weaknesses and my challenges, I hope you can go ahead with this week and share with me some of the good things that's happened with you.

Share Your Wins and Be Kind

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Because I really want to hear them. Until then, just be kind to yourself, be kind to others. Stand up for you. Because you really matter.