Belle Burden's 'Strangers' And How It Explains Betrayal Trauma For What It is

In this episode of Life A Blog, Trina dives into the memoir Strangers by Belle Burden—and what begins as hesitation turns into something deeply personal and unexpectedly relatable. From the outside, the story may look different… wealth, status, a life built with privilege. But beneath that surface is something universal: betrayal, disorientation, and the quiet unraveling of a life you thought you knew.

This episode isn’t about comparing lives—it’s about recognizing the feeling. The moment everything shifts. The questions that follow. The way betrayal doesn’t just break trust in someone else, but fractures your sense of reality and self.

Through her own experiences, Trina connects the dots between what we see and what we feel, unpacking the judgment that often surrounds betrayal trauma and why it’s so easy for others to dismiss something they’ve never lived. She speaks to the confusion, the re-evaluation of memories, and the painful truth that sometimes you didn’t miss anything—you just trusted.

This episode also explores the deeper layers: becoming strangers to someone you once shared everything with, the silence people expect you to keep “for the sake of others,” and the complexity of holding both love and loss at the same time. It’s about understanding that healing doesn’t come neatly, and not every story ends with closure.

There’s no single song tied to this episode—because sometimes the story itself is the song. The theme here is truth: honouring your experience, even when others don’t understand it, and allowing yourself to process what you lived through without minimizing it.

If you’ve ever looked back on your life and wondered how it became something you no longer recognize… if you’ve ever had to sit with unanswered questions… if you’ve ever had to make peace with not knowing… this episode is for you. 

Always remember with everything you're going through, every song has a story and every story has a song.

Transcript

When Life Stops Feeling Like Yours

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You know, there's something unsettling about realizing you don't recognize recognize your life anymore. And not in a dramatic way. Everything just blew up kind of way. But slowly and quietly, like one day you look around and think, How did I get here? So today I want to talk about a book, Strangers. It is not a self-help book, it's a memoir. And I did not want to read it, even though my TikTok kept encouraging me to do so. And why was that? Because this woman separated from her husband because of betrayal trauma. Yet she had a Harvard degree. She came from wealth, and she had a home on Martha's Vineyard and a condo in New York City. How could anyone of that stature absolutely understand the feeling of little old me that went through betrayal trauma? But you know what? I listened to it and I loved it. You know, despite the whining and dining and having a beautiful house on Martha's Vineyard, Bel Burden articulates what it was like to have the to experience betrayal trauma and the feelings that you have once you realize what has happened and the unanswered questions that follows. The court case, the divorce, the children, and how people view you after

Why I Resisted Reading Strangers

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your marriage has fallen apart. Belle Burton is a lawyer, built a life that from the outside looked really solid. Marriage, kids, stability, the kind of life a lot of people are working towards, probably more than we could ever imagine. And then during the pandemic, her husband left suddenly with individ in infidelity involved. No real warning. And what she writes about in strangers isn't just the betrayal, it's the disorientation that comes after. That moment where you realize the life you believed in was actually what you wasn't actually what you thought it was. There has been so much critique about her online, so much horrible things said because of her her stature, her life, you know, poor little rich girl. But how she moves through the book. And if you've ever been through betrayal trauma, you feel it, you understand it, you can actually relate to everything she's saying. She comes down to a very human level where betrayal trauma you realize is universal. And as I read the book and wrote this podcast, I had tears. Not big tears that were meant to manipulate myself. I wasn't bawling in a corner because I've been through it. But those honest tears that creep out of the side of your eyes that basically says, I know, and I

The Voicemail That Changed Everything

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understand. Without divulging too much of the book, it starts off where she received a phone call while making dinner for her family. And she decided not to answer it because she did not recognize the phone number, nor did she want to interrupt her work of getting dinner completed. But that person did leave a voicemail and she listened to it. And it basically stated that it he was the husband of the woman that her husband was having an affair with. And at that point, her life came tumbling down. Disbelief, of course. I've been through it. I picked up a tablet where I read things that I just could not believe. So I could understand the feeling of disbelief that she first had when she listened to that message. And then when she went to confront her husband, obviously on the opposite side, she had been he had been notified that his wife was gonna find out based on the crestfallen look on his face when she approached him. He admitted to the discret indiscretion, but said it had only been two weeks. But as always, those first words aren't always the truth. It's protection on behalf of the betrayer. Protection to save the hurt that's yet to come. Secrets are always found out, no matter what. We are not meant to kept sec to keep secrets because secrets always reveal themselves, especially in betrayal trauma, because there's so many parties involved. And then Belle talks about the days that followed, and her husband deciding that he was going to leave. He did not want to have child's custody, he was leaving it all to her, and that he just wanted to move on with his life. However, that changed very quickly as her process through betrayal trauma moved forward. You know, there were moments in that book where I had to stop, not because I didn't understand it, but because I understood it all too well. That feeling of going back through memories and

The Spiral Of Doubt And Replays

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questioning them, was it real? Did I miss something? How long was this happening before I saw it? And if you've ever been through betrayal, you know that spiral. It's not just what happened. It's about everything you start re-evaluating after. Every conversation, every moment you trusted, every time you chose to believe instead of question. And here's where it gets harder because at some point the focus shifts. It's not about them anymore, it's about you. It's about sitting with the realization that something didn't feel right and you stayed. And that gave you the benefit of the doubt that you hoped it would get better, that you trusted words over actions. And after like eight years, I've come to realize that it's not a weakness and it's just being human. And as it's loving and that believing in something, it but it also comes with a cost because when it all falls apart, you're not just asking who they were, you're asking who you were in it. And that's the part of the book that made me realize that it wasn't like in a loud, dramatic way, but it was a permanent question that I asked for many years to follow. And you know what makes me really angry as I did some research on this book and looking for quotes because I actually listened to it driving on Audible. There are people who read this book and completely dismiss betrayal trauma because they look at her life, the money, the background, the houses, and they decide her pain doesn't count, and that she should have known what that she should have done more, that somehow this is on

Why People Dismiss Betrayal Trauma

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her. And I read those takes, the one that say she didn't look inward enough, that she didn't question herself deeply enough, that she was too passive, too compliant, too whatever. And this is where my take is that perspective completely misses what betrayal trauma actually does to a person. Because when you're inside it, you're not analyzing your life like a case case study. You're not stepping back with perfect clarity, asking all the right questions. You're actually just surviving. Your brain is trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. Your body is in shock. You're really your reality is just split in two. And people love to sit outside of that and say, Well, why didn't she see it? Why didn't she question more? Why didn't she stay? Or why did she stay? Because that's easier. It's easier to believe there were obvious signs. It's easier to believe you would have handled it differently. Because if you admit the truth that this can happen quietly, that you can love someone and not see it, that you can build a life that feels real and still be blindsided, then you have to admit it could happen to anyone. And that's the part people don't like. This book wasn't written as a psychological deep dive. It wasn't written to dissect every flaw in the marriage with perfect hindsight. It was written from inside the experience, from the confusion, from the shock, from the place where you don't have answers yet. And that's what's real. When you've been through it, you understand it because not everyone comes out of something like this with clarity right away. Not everyone has a language for you. Not everyone can tie it up into something that makes sense for other people to consume. Sometimes the truth is just I didn't see it, and now I have to live with that. And instead of judging that, maybe we recognize it because I've been there, not in her life, but in that feeling where you look back and think, how did I not know? And the answer isn't always that you ignored it. Sometimes the answer is you trusted too much. And that's something that you shouldn't be ashamed of. That's something to understand. So, no, I didn't read this book looking for what she should have done differently. I read it for what it actually is: a woman trying to make sense of a life that broke open. And that is something I will never dismiss. And when I read the reviews of this book, it only honestly makes me want to scream and defend her. And at the same time, it makes me want to cry because so many of the critiques focus on her privilege, her education, her money, her lifestyle. And they use that to discredit her experience. And you know what? I get it. That's why I didn't want to read the book in the first place. On the surface, her looks, her life looks nothing like ours. But if you actually read the book, if you sit in what she's describing, the story is so clear and it's so relatable. Not the houses, not the status, the feeling, the moment your reality shifts, the confusion that follows, the way you start replaying everything, trying to understand it. That doesn't belong to one kind of person that belongs to anyone who has been through betrayal. And I understood her feelings so well. The feeling of someone you slept beside every night for decades, just becoming a stranger with no real answer. And that's just not painful, it's harmful because it leaves you suspended. There's no closure, no understanding, nothing to anchor to. You're left holding all the questions and they walk away holding all the answers, or at least the truth. And that does something to you. It makes you question your judgment, your memory, your reality. It's not just loss, it's disorientation. And I don't think we call that what it is enough. Because when someone shares a life with you for that long, builds something with you, lets you believe in it, and then leaves without explanation, that's just not leaving. That's a form of emotional abandonment that cuts deep. And it's so confusing. It's destabilizing. And yes, it can feel abusive. Not because of one moment, because of what it does to your sense of self after. And unless you lived it, it's really easy to minimize. But if you

Parenting, Silence, And Telling The Truth

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have, you know exactly what I'm talking about. And another part of this book that really stayed with me was the idea that by telling your story, you're somehow a bad point parent. And I totally admit that during my fight or flight stage, I was a bad mom. I just went to an extreme. And I have rectified that by my actions, not just words, not just apologies, apologies, but my actions. My actions got better towards my kids. But nonetheless, it is expected that you should stay quiet, protect the image, keep the relationship and the breakdown of it hidden for the sake of the kids. And I understand the instinct behind that. Of course, we want to protect our children. But what about the person who was hurt? What about the one whose entire world just collapsed? Who is trying to process betrayal, confusion, loss, and is expected to do it silently. We're expected to keep showing up, keep everything steady, keep life normal, all while inside we're screaming. What about me? Because that expectation isn't just placed on women, it's placed on men too, to hold it together, to not talk about it, to move on quickly, to not sit in the impact. And betrayal trauma doesn't care who you are, it doesn't care about gender, it doesn't care about roles. It hits the same place. Your sense of trust, your sense of reality, and most of all your sense of self. And the silence doesn't heal that. It just buries it. A lot of women and men will hop to another relationship instead of sitting into it because it hurts so much. So this idea that telling your truth makes you a bad parent, I don't agree with that. There's a difference between exposing and expressing, between pulling your children into something and allowing yourself to process what you've lived through. Because pretending nothing happened doesn't protect them. It teaches them that pain should be hidden. And I don't think that's what any of us actually want to pass down. You can be a good parent and still be someone who was deeply hurt. You can protect your children and still tell the truth about your life. Those two things can exist at the same time. And betrayal trauma, it belongs to anyone who has lived it. And this is where her story stopped feeling distant for me. Because, yes, she had a prenup, an agreement written decades earlier that ended up defining

Prenups And The Financial Aftershock

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everything when it was all over. And people say, well, she signed it. What they don't sit in is what happened after that. 20 years of a life being built, decisions made together, a partnership that evolves beyond what was written on paper. And then one day that original agreement becomes the only thing that matters. And I didn't have a prenup, but I understand that feeling. Because for 20 years we sat together talking about our future, what we were building, what we were investing, what we were working towards. And yes, it may have gone through his work, but those were our decisions. That was our life. And then suddenly, when everything ended, it was his. In his eyes, and in the eyes of the people around him. And I remember hearing it. He worked so hard all of his life. And now she's coming after him. And I thought, what do you what do you think his life was? Because I was there, our children were there. We weren't separate from his life. We were his life. And that's what connects her story and mine, not the structure, not the paperwork, but the shift. That moment where something you build together gets redefined as if it only belonged to one person. And that's a really difficult truth to sit with. Because I think a lot of people move through relationships believing this is shared, this is ours, this is protected by the fact that we're in it together. But what her story shows and what I've lived through is that you need to ask those what-if questions sooner than later. And not from a place of fear, but from a place of awareness. What happens if this ends? What does this actually look like on paper? What protections are in place for both people? Because love doesn't cancel out reality and trust doesn't replace clarity. And that doesn't mean you expect things to fall apart. It means you respect the fact that they can. Because when everything is good, that's where those conversations are easiest to have. Not in the middle of a fallout, not when emotions are high, not when everything is already shifting under your feet. And that's what I wish more people understood, because the emotional impact of betrayal is one thing. But when your reality shifts financially, structural, structurally, practically, it compounds it. And that's what her story shows. And that's what I've lived different lives, same realization. Just don't wait for everything to fall apart to understand what you're actually standing on. And this is where her story takes another turn. She talks about how she can now see her ex-husband, be around him,

Becoming Strangers And Letting Go

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but she doesn't know the life he lives anymore. And that part stayed with me. Because it's one thing to become strangers after everything ends. It's another to realize you may never actually knew who be they who they became. And I've lived that in a very different way. There came a point where I had to let go, not of the history, not of what we had built, but of trying to manage and understand his addiction. Because you can't carry someone else's life for them. You can't keep chasing answers that aren't being given. And when I let go of that, I didn't know what he was doing anymore. I didn't know the details of his life. And then he got cancer. And then he died on our wedding anniversary. And even those final moments, there was still a part of him that was a stranger to me. The one never left was the part of him that mattered. The part that was a father. And I wrote this to him in his final days. The kids just informed me of your latest health update. I'm so very sorry and very heartbroken for you, our kids, and all of your family. As long as there is breath, there is hope. You know our good friend says that line. And I do pray that she is right. Life has some really odd curveballs. It's so unfortunate that it threw you a very pathetic one. I want you to do me a favor. Talk a lot to the kids about your times together. Hug them so tight that they never forget your embrace. Share with them all the love you feel for them. Don't hold back, not even for a moment. Play with our grandson when you have the strength. They all love you so very much, and I'm dying inside knowing that they are grieving so badly. You were such an important part of my life, in spite of everything. I'm forever grateful and thankful for the gifts we shared in this lifetime. I'm still hoping and praying for a miracle for you. And that's the complexity of all of this. Someone can become a stranger to you and still matter, still be started part of your story, still hold a place in your life that just doesn't disappear. And I think that this book touches on it on it in its own way. Because not everyone gets wrapped up neatly. Excuse me, not everything gets wrapped up neatly. Not every story ends with understanding. Sometimes you just learn to live with what you know and make peace with what you don't. But here's the thing: when I was reading Strangers, Belle wasn't a stranger to me. And I think that's what people are missing. They're so focused on who she is on paper that they're not actually hearing what she's saying. Because I didn't read her as a Harvard graduate. I didn't read her as someone different. I read her as someone sitting in the aftermath trying to make sense of something that didn't make sense. And I knew and I I understood that feeling to my core. I knew what it felt like to sit there and question everything, to replay the moments, to try to understand how someone you shared a life with could suddenly feel like someone you don't know at all. And even more than that, I knew what it felt like to become a stranger to them, too. Because that's a part no one prepares you for. It's not just that they become unfamiliar. It's that the connection you once had doesn't exist in the same way anymore. And whether that person is still alive or whether they're gone, there can still be parts of them you never got to understand. And you have to live with that. So no, Belle wasn't a stranger to me. And I don't think she's a stranger to the thousands of people that are willing to listen to the core of this book. She was a reflection of something I've lived, something a lot of people have lived, whether they want to admit it or not. And that's why this book matters. Not because of who she is,

Why This Story Still Matters

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but because of what she's willing to say out loud. And I respect her for that because I'm doing the same.