Rebuilding Self Trust After Toxic Patterns

What if the closure you’ve been chasing is the very thing keeping you stuck? This week, I trade emotional autopsies for clarity and walk through the ten practical steps that helped me rebuild self-trust after years of confusing intensity with intimacy. From burning a goodbye letter to honoring my first no, I unpack how tolerating misalignment became the pattern—and how choosing peace over familiar chaos finally changed the story.

I share the uncomfortable truths: abuse isn’t love, control isn’t care, and consistency beats charm every single time. You’ll hear how I learned to slow my yes, spot energy leaks, match actions to words, and stop romanticizing potential in relationships and business. We talk boundaries that are set once and enforced, simple tools for separating anxiety from intuition, and the daily acts of self-loyalty that restore safety in your own body. If you’ve ever felt calm was boring after a stormy past, this conversation offers a map back to groundedness.

There’s also a luminous detour into wisdom and longevity through my friend Barry, a vibrant 90-year-old whose rituals—weekly date nights, kitchen dancing, and steadfast kindness—reframe what healthy love and character can look like over decades. His stories underline a core theme: clear terms, mutual effort, and gentle boundaries build a life that lifts rather than drains. By the end, you’ll have a clear set of tools and a renewed sense that clarity—not closure—is what moves us forward.

If this resonates, subscribe, share with someone who needs it, and leave a review with the one boundary you’ll enforce this week. Your next season begins with one quiet, decisive yes to yourself.

Transcript

A Closing Chapter Begins

Speaker 1 0:13

Hey everybody. It's me again, Trina from Life's a Blog. I hope you all had a great week. And uh, interestingly enough, it has been amazing here in Ontario. And um I'm just waiting for a new season to arrive, and hopefully for every second that Groundhog will give us a positive review. Anyway, again, um this season of my life is almost done.

Speaker 1 0:46

Two more days. Two more days before I move out and into a new home. It's not really a dramatic ending, not a collapse, just a closing chapter that I'm really excited about.

Letting Go Without Closure

Naming Abuse And Control

The Pattern Was Me Tolerating

Calm Feels Boring After Chaos

Lessons From Recent Relationships

Speaker 1 0:59

And you know, this week I wrote a letter. And I thought I needed to write it. Um of those final goodbye letters. I even thought to drop it off. Like I was leaving for something good. Then it hit me. I'm not dying. I'm moving. And you know, that really matters because you just gotta let go of the past. So what I did, I just took that letter and burnt it just in case that inclination of dropping it off would happen again. So I just thought, just burn it. Let it burn and let it go. You know, because moving forward doesn't require closure conversations. Emotional autopsies are one of those last attempts to be understood. Sometimes it just requires walking out the door with what you learned and not dragging the past with you. And for a long time I stayed focused on understanding, and I probably the last six years. Understanding people, understanding dynamics, understanding why certain partnerships felt so draining, so one-sided, so heavy. And you know, I think of a time where I read a note from somebody and they said, nobody just understands our love. And at that time, and this is how much I've grown, at that time, I kind of tried to understand it. Because if someone's going to say that, then there had to be something in there that was special or unique or some kind of a fire that a passion. And then as I watched that, nobody understands our love scenario unfold. It was years of generational trauma and bullying and ostracizing and black sheep hurting. And I realized that, yeah, nobody does understand your love because that's just not love. That's abuse, that's control. And it's something that has probably been my greatest lesson of the last few years, is that I had different roles, different stories, and but it was all the same pattern. And that's what finally clicked. I mean, they weren't isolated situations, they were variations of the same lesson. Two of my partners, it wasn't this some tawdry romance from a Hallmark novel where we're going to get back together and live happily ever after. No, there was addiction, there was control on my end, there was so many factors that it just didn't include the word love. Because love is patient and love is kind. And each one of these incidences that happened in the last few years, including professional and this landlord situation, showed me what happens when alignment is missing, when effort isn't mutual, when accountability isn't optional, when boundaries are treated like inconveniences instead of requirements, and then you become the devil when you set boundaries. The common thread wasn't the people that were in my life. It was what I tolerated while trying to make things work. You know, that's a hard thing to say out loud because it's all about me. I kept gravitating towards people who required more explaining and more patience and more self-abandonment than they were willing to offer in return. And I told myself, like, that was connection, but that's not connection. It wasn't, it was just anxiety. It was my nervous system mistaking familiarity for safety and tiny bits of effort for love. And that's the part we don't talk about enough. When you've lived in b in imbalance long enough, probably all your life, calm can feel boring. And boy, the last few months has been boring, and consistency can feel suspicious, and peace can feel unfamiliar. So you lean toward what keeps you activated, not what keeps you grounded. And every one of those relationships that I've encountered in the last six years taught me something. My ex showed me that shared effort is not optional. My partner showed me that unclear rules and loose structures eventually collapse. My landlord showed me the cost of staying quiet to keep the peace. My ex-husband showed me how easy it is to ignore red flags when you want the story to end differently. And none of these were mistakes. It was just factual data being thrown at me from some higher power, I assume. And the lesson wasn't about fixing them, it was about rebuilding trust in myself. Trusting my body when something felt off, trusting my instincts without needing proof, trusting that I don't need to work harder to earn basic respect, and that's where I am now. Not looking back, not rehashing, not chasing clarity from people who already showed me who they were. I will never ever say that they didn't understand my love. Or do anybody else that nobody understood our love, or our connection, or our partnership. No. It was right there in front of everybody's eyes.

Speaker 6:52

I was putting the blindfolds on for a very long time though. And you know, one thing I've learned now is that I really lacked self-trust.

Rebuilding Self Trust

Tip 1: Honor The First No

Speaker 1 7:07

You know that trusting your gut. Even though I have it tattooed on my wrist, time and time again, I just did not listen. And this is how you can start rebuilding self-trust. A few tips that I think I've sat back and I've wrote about as I'm growing and learning and starting this new journey and what I don't want in my life and what I do want in my life, and the biggest thing is trusting myself and trusting my instincts that I never get into these situations again. So I'd say number one would be stop overriding your first no. If your body hesitates, that's a sign. Self-trust rebuilds when you stop negotiating with your own discomfort. There's this young girl, my daughter's friend, and she's just the sweetest of the sweet. But she's kind of a little boy crazy now. And, you know, a couple of times she's looked out to me for advice, and this gentleman is not texting her back immediately and taking a couple days, and I'd say, no, that just doesn't sound like he's the one for you, because you know, 99% of the people have their phones available to them. And especially if he has a business, he's got his phone readily available. And you know, he can just say, Yeah, voice attacks, I can't talk to you right now. I'll call you when I can. So she said the first no to me, but then she started second guessing it. And well, maybe he is busy, and maybe he's this, and no, no, no.

Speaker 8:54

He just has he's just not that into you.

Tip 2: Fix Energy Leaks

Tip 3: Actions Over Words

Tip 4: Slow Your Yes

Speaker 1 9:00

And then number two, take notice where your energy leaks. Notice who leaves you tired and anxious or second guessing yourself. Distance yourself from drains is not cruelty. It's actually good to do that because we're all meant as human beings to rise up and to grow and to feel that joy and happiness exactly the way I feel when I drive down to Lambton Shores. My heart lifts. Everything lifts. And I just think that we as society, friendships, relationships, romantic, partnerships, whatever, we're constantly second-guessing ourselves when it comes to our relationships. And, you know, you'll spend some time with someone and you're absolutely exhausted. And if you sit back and you audit why you've left and you're exhausted, then you may realize that this relationship, friendship, what have you, is just not serving your greater good. And three, this is the big one I think, is matching actions to words every time. Believe their behavior. Full stop. This is how you train yourself to stay anchored in reality. It doesn't matter if you're spending the next three years alone. If you're going to meet somebody and be in a romantic relationship, watch the actions. If you're gonna get into a partnership with someone, watch the actions. Don't listen to the words. The words are always grandiose. And they'll always be geared towards what serves them best. The actions show you what serves you as a partnership and us. You know, I've taken a couple drives down in Port Franks and I've had to pass through the town that I used to live in, and you know, it makes me sad because there he is sitting all mad alone just the way I found him five years ago, and it makes me sad, but you know, choices were made, and that's kind of like that's the actions. That is the action he wanted that, and that's okay. I don't want that, and that was my lesson learned there. And number four, slow your yes down. Urgency kills. Give yourself time before committing to people or plans or promises or business relationships. I think if I would have stepped back a year ago and really looked at the picture and its whole totality, I probably wouldn't be in the situation that I'm in now. 2025 was a huge financial drain from a romantic partnership and through a business. And I should have slowed that yes down and really looked and watched the actions, watch, watch everything that was happening around me, and then realized this is not the time. And number five, name what you want before engaging. If you don't define your own terms, you'll accept someone else's by default. And I think we're all very privileged in having a voice and the ability to say what we want and what we'll tolerate and where the boundaries lie when it comes to having any sort of relationship with us. I think few of us do it, and then we get caught in a trap or we try to overbelieve people's intentions. Again, listening to words over the actions.

Speaker 12:52

And I think you have to really know what you want before getting into that next season of your life when it comes to other people.

Tip 5: Name What You Want

Tip 6: Stop Romanticizing Potential

Tip 7: Daily Self Loyalty

Tip 8: Anxiety Versus Intuition

Speaker 1 13:05

Then number six, stop romanticizing potential. Potential is not a contract. You know, you gotta choose the person, the situation, in the present, what's consistent and what's sustainable. That is so important. Because romantic romanticizing per romanticizing potential is really you playing a trick on yourself. And number seven, practice small acts of self-loyalty daily. Leave when you're tired, speak up when something feels off. These little choices compound. And, you know, again, like bringing up something that is bothering you to someone that truly loves you. The action isn't going to be retaliation or quitting or texting somebody else. It's going to be full-on, I want this, you want this, let's work on this sort of ideal. And just be kind to yourself. Like lately, what I do when I feel anxious or really lonely here, I just top my car and go for a drive because it's very soothing. Um, I go look for snowy owls, which I have yet to find one. And I just I just don't stand around situations where I don't want to be in. So I'm just being loyal to myself in the situation where I'm at right now. And I kind of put people off full stop and say, we'll discuss this another time. And number eight, separate anxiety from intuition. Anxiety is loud and frantic, and intuition is quiet and steady. And you have to learn the difference by slowing down. Anxiety, when I deal, when I have anxious moments where I'm feeling out of balance and I'm ready to do something that I'll absolutely regret, I now took the advice from my therapist, and I put my wrists under ice cold water, even though I can't do cold plunge. Tried it, can't do it. But I will put my wrists under ice cold water, and it does trigger the brain to think about other thoughts and to balance the chemicals in your brain so the anxiety lessens more. And your intuition, if you listen to your intuition, you really have to step back and really concentrate on your intuition. And then you see things for what they are and how they could be. And it's it's just a slower pace what your intuition teaches you. And number nine, create clear boundaries and enforce them the first time. You know, the goal in any relationship isn't repeated explanation, it's observing who respects them without resistance. And when I look at healthy relationships, and I'm gonna tell you about a very healthy gentleman that's 90 years old in a few moments, but when I look at the story he tells, and I see that he's a very healthy individual, not only physically and mine, but the way he approaches people and interacts with people and how he treats people. And I know that he had very clear boundaries as well, because I worked with him many years ago. But that's my next story. And 10. Prove to yourself that you can walk away. Self-trust grows when you know you won't abandon yourself to keep something alive. And you know, those moments in the last season of my life where I said, pack your stuff, I'm taking you home.

Speaker 17:05

No. You've made your point, this business is over. And I'm moving out of here and I'm taking you to the tenancy board. I've walked away.

Speaker 1 17:20

I've walked away the boundaries.

Tip 9: Boundaries Enforced Once

Speaker 17:24

My actions are very clear. And don't step on me again. And I will never abandon myself again with people who just don't respect who I am as a person.

Tip 10: Prove You Can Leave

Ownership And Control

Speaker 1 17:42

And I have a lot of faults, don't get me wrong. We are not without fault as human beings, and we make mistakes and we make errors. But character is one thing we either choose to stay as, or we choose to change our character and grow. I guess six years ago I would think that I was all in the right. But no, I look at certain instances with my breakup of my ex-husband, and I realize now that I can't just blame it on being bad shit crazy, but I can look at it and go, I was an absolute control freak that wanted just to run this partnership to better better grounds. Him having getting rehab and cleaning himself up. But that wasn't my choice. That wasn't my duty. It wasn't my responsibility. My responsibility was to take ownership of my involvement and what I needed to do in this situation. In that case, I just couldn't, I didn't leave him because of what he did. I left because he refused to get rehab. Point blank, I was ready to take every ounce of money and invest in rehab and go get a job and support the two of us. But the answer was a hard no. And where I went wrong was I couldn't control the situation, so I went absolutely crazy and I spiraled. And I take ownership for that. I can't say that was his fault. No. Was the breakup, it was absolutely all this blindsidedness that I had to go through. But be going batshit crazy, that's on me. Because I was losing control of something I loved very, very much, but I just couldn't handle it. And I think I've learned a lot about control. I think, you know, in this situation where this person says they don't understand our love, I think that was meant to happen because. I looked at that and I saw it very clearly as abuse, but then and controlling. And I had to step back and look at my situation and go, you know what, that was really controlling of me. Like I lost control of the situation and I just buried myself in the ground.

Speaker 20:26

So at the end of the day, you choose yourself. And you can walk away and never look back. And you know, all these steps are meant for you to be aligned with yourself.

Choosing Yourself And Safety

Speaker 1 20:48

And the most important factor is to feel safe again. It's been a very long time since I felt safe. And my heart is hoping that this next portion of my life will bring me the safety that I need to feel because I've got a long road ahead of working and building myself, my business up again. And I have got an amazing team. I've rounded up a lot of great people. And um I think it's just gonna be a good thing. My God is telling me, I mean my intuition is saying that it's gonna be a good thing, and I really hope so. Because uh I've worked very hard for this. I'm not gonna say I deserve it, but I am gonna say I've worked really hard and I've learned all the hard lessons that I needed to learn in order to get to this point in my life. Now I'm trying to think of a business name. And instead of Martha Stewart Inc., I think it's gonna be Katrina Stewart Inc. So this excerpt may bore a few people. That's okay because I feel that I want to share it.

Speaker 22:05

So a few months ago, no, yeah, probably two months ago, I got this email, and this gentleman, named Barry Abelson, ready me in all caps.

Starting Again In Business

Meeting Barry: A Mentor Returns

Lessons From A Life Well Lived

Love, Rituals, And Longevity

Character, Community, And Vitality

Clarity Over Closure

Speaker 1 22:22

He says, Hi Trina, just saw you in the magazine. Do you want to have coffee? Barry. And I smiled. And I wrote him back and I'm like, wow, blasts from the past. What an absolutely wonderful surprise. Of course I'd love to have coffee with you. I have thought of you fondly many times in the last 19 years, and I hope that life has treated you well. You name the place as I'm in New Hamburg, but I'll gladly come to Waterloo. Wednesday or Thursday at ten works for me. I'm looking so forward to seeing you. So we met, and I had the wrong shoes on. I had this mad blister on the back of my foot, and I was trying to hide it when I walked in. And he stood up and he gave me the biggest bear hug you'd ever imagine. We were at this quaint little cafe in downtown Waterloo called Cafe 22, and it's a cute place. And he told me that him and his wife go there every Tuesday to have coffee. It's a ritual. And we sat there for over two hours and talked about life and shared what's been going on in our life since we last saw each other. And it's funny, I told him that um that I arrived in uh Ontario and I was 26 years old, and I got hired at this place where he was a board of director. And the first time meeting him, I had to drive down to the Hilton Hotel in the airport in Toronto. And when I got there, I uh was taking minutes to the meeting. Then we had lunch and real fancy lunch with all the different types of utensils, and probably had I had not watched Pretty Woman, maybe I wouldn't have been so greatly affected about the utensils, but I sat there and looked at them stupidly, and I looked up and there he was, and he was like, show me the fork, and I'm like, thank God. Thank you for you, whoever you are. And after that, I was just a mail clerk at this business, and this guy that was running this certification program would teach me all kinds of things about Windows and the operating system and the database that they used or he created. And then one day he just up and quit. And everyone was wondering, well, who knows everything about this program? And everybody's eyes, the board meeting shifted at me, and all of a sudden I got this great big career, and I didn't, I was still teaching myself Microsoft Word. And it was kind of cool because those four years at that association, Barry was the one that always helped me understand everything about vinyl windows. And there'd be times where, you know, one of the contractors or dealers would really make me feel stupid because I was at a loss to explain things. And I'd phone him up and say, okay, you got a half an hour for me to explain this. And then he took me to a testing lab, and I finally learned about the A, B, and Cs and the energy ratings and everything like that. Uh I think it was through uh Canadian Window and Door Manufacturers Association, but that's neither here nor there. I he taught me everything I knew about vinyl windows. And when he retired, he I was very sad to see him go. And it was at that point where he opened up his little briefcase and he goes, Trina, I uh I I have this email that you sent me when I retired, and he said I kept it because it was just so sweet. And he goes, Oh, here, I I kept two Christmas cards that you sent me as well. And that really touched me. I thought, man, that's a guy with character. Like, he keeps all this stuff. And that touched my heart. It was like, wow. Like he goes, yeah, took a photocopy for you so you can keep it too. And I'm like, I am gonna keep it. Because if it meant that much to you, it certainly means that much to me. And then we started talking, and he explained to me that uh he had a lot of ups and downs in his life, but you know, he's very successful businessman, and when he retired, he gave his three top employees the business and said, Here you go, this is your future retirement. And I thought, wow, what a guy. So, anyways, he told me he wrote two books and they got them published. And I think it's just published within his family, but he got them published nonetheless. And Did I tell you he was 90 years old? He's 90 years old. You would never imagine he was 90 years old. And he said he was gonna send them to me, and true as faith that those books arrived at my door days later in the mail. So I read them, and the one that he wrote that I really loved was If I were king, part two, because he had already wrote a part one. And they were all things about today's day and age and his opinions on, you know, the Postal Service and the politics, and I was just a really interesting read coming from his frame of mind. And as I was reading it, I could really hear his voice in my head as I was reading it. So it was it was a pretty cool read by somebody that you know personally, and the only reason he created it was because he doesn't know anything about his great-grandparents, his grandparents, and he thought, wouldn't it be neat if I wrote something for my grandkids, my great-grandkids, that they can read about what was happening in the times and what I thought about the situations or that's what's on what's happening. And I thought, yeah, that's a pretty cool idea, and I'm actually contemplating doing that myself, even though I'm not very politically inclined, but I just thought that was a great idea. So, anyways, he wrote me and he said, Didn't get a message from you. Did you receive my books? And I'm like, oh my god, I'm just finishing it. I was gonna write you. Yes, and I wanted me for coffee, and I said, uh, I sent him the the uh the Coldplay video with uh Dick Van Dyke. No, it's not Vic, yeah, I think it's Dick Van Dyke, uh, all my love. And I go, this is kind of like the summary of your book. And I said, it's just so special, and yes, let's meet for coffee. So we met again, another two-hour meeting, and we were talking about someone that we knew at the uh at the board of directors meetings, and I'm like, you know, he actually taught me a great lesson, too. I said, I was standing at the printer and he walked up to me and I think I nudged him or something. I said, Oh, I'm sorry. And he goes, Trina, he goes, Why do you always say you're sorry? I said, Well, I don't know, I guess because I'm sorry. And he goes, you know, Trina, the only time you ever really have to say you're sorry is when you're truly sorry. Flicking me like that is does not constitute an I'm sorry. And you know, and Barry goes, ha. And he goes, I go, no, I go, that's actually really good advice. I go, because if we're saying I'm sorry all the time, we just don't know what we're really being sorry for. And having true sincerity with your sorries, I think is very important. He's like, okay, point well taken. So, anyways, we discussed everything from our past to the book to my thoughts on his book to thoughts on his opinions on in the book. And we also talked about love and we talked about romance. And I said in the book, I said, You said one thing. I said that kind of, you know, taking me aback. I said, how you gave your daughter all of your family photos of your with your first wife. And he goes, Oh, he goes, I had the most two most amazing loves of my life. He goes, My first wife died of MS. And it was an amazing, amazing relationship. But she died, and I started my relationship with my current wife, who I've been with for the last 40 years. But I felt it was very important to separate that first relationship to the second in order for me to move on and move forward. It's not that I've ever forgotten or don't recognize the love that I had, but this new relationship, as it started and evolved, that's the one I had to work and aspire to. And he goes, you know, every Saturday night we have date night. He goes, two glasses of Crown Royal, we'll watch something on TV, then we'll get up, make dinner, dance in the kitchen, and he goes, and then we sit down, we split a bottle of wine. And he goes, it's a lovely day night every Saturday night. And I'm like, wow. And he goes, I don't think I've spent any more than one day away from her. Because when I went away, she always came. I could not imagine my life without her on a daily basis. And I was like, Man, that's what I want. And you know, I was just talking to someone 90 years old and as vibrant, as clear, as active, he could get up off the chair better than I could. I was just wowed about how much life can inspire us by just talking to people that have character and great boundaries and great aspirations in life. Like, I think that's what got him through to be 90. He just, you know, he ran the turkey drive for the rotary and he plays squash, and he still plays squash once a week. And I think I kind of aspire to be a woman of character, just like Barry Abelson. Because he had 40 kids, and he says, you know, there's some bad seeds, and those 42. Not not 40 kids, but 40 family members. He goes, you know, we all got those bad seeds. And I'm like, oh yeah. It happens in every family. There's no two ways about it. But I would it just the conversation was so inspiring. I thought uh bring it into the podcast because you don't meet many people like that nowadays that can inspire you. And it kind of goes back to where don't allow anything or anyone to drain you. It wasn't a draining con, but two hours went by, and I'm like, oh my god, I gotta get back to work, Barry. And he's like, Yep, I gotta get back home too. But I could have probably spent another three hours with him. It was just that wonderful. So I'm gonna close this off, and this is where I am.

Speaker 33:10

Right now.

Speaker 1 33:14

And I'm not looking back. I'm not gonna rewrite history. I'm not gonna try to understand things that already showed me the truth. I'm just choosing myself without the apology to her. You know, self-trust isn't rebuilding in big moments, it's rebuilt in the quiet decisions. The ones where you listen to yourself the first time, the ones where you leave instead of explain, the ones where you stop confusing anxiety with connection, the one where you burn that note before you send it. And I'm not hardened. I'm actually clearer than I've ever been before in my life. And that clarity changes everything. So if this hit something for you, sit with it. You don't have to fix your whole life tonight. It's taking me six years. You just have to stop abandoning yourself tomorrow. And you know what? We'll keep going till next time. But I want to thank you for joining me. If you want to subscribe to my podcast, feel free to go over to Spotify. Again, you can always follow me at Life'sBlogs Da on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok. And we'll see you in my new digs next week. Until then. Take care.