Saving Myself From Self-Sabotage

A single question in a quiet therapy room flipped my life from autopilot to honest: do you want to die or thrive? From that moment, I had to confront a pattern I’d dressed up as kindness—overgiving to be chosen, staying silent to keep the peace, and performing worthiness instead of living it. What followed was a raw inventory of relationships, work, and health where self-sabotage wore the mask of loyalty and hustle.

I share the personal stories that made the pattern undeniable—making everyone else’s dreams come true while mine gathered dust, ignoring my gut with a partner who was never really available, and carrying two roles in a business because I feared conflict more than burnout. We unpack why self-sabotage isn’t laziness or a lack of willpower; it’s protection gone wrong. Drawing on insights inspired by Brené Brown and Gabor Maté, we reframe shame into clarity and talk about how fear of rejection, abandonment, or even success can keep you stuck in cycles that feel noble but drain you dry.

Music helped me map the cost. Ed Sheeran’s Save Myself becomes a study in emotional economics: time, energy, and care are currencies, and running a constant deficit leads to bankruptcy of the spirit. Together, we walk through practical reflection prompts to close the leaks—where are you giving more than you receive, what boundary can you set and keep, how does your body respond when you even imagine choosing yourself? Expect turbulence. Some people will leave, and the quiet may feel loud. But the payoff is a life that no longer asks you to shrink.

If this resonates, hit follow, share with someone who needs it, and leave a review to help others find the show. Tell me: what is one small promise you’ll keep to yourself this week?

Transcript

Welcome And The Wake-Up Question

SPEAKER_00 0:02

I gave all my oxygen to people that can breathe. I gave away my money and now we don't even speak. I drove miles and miles. Would you do the same for me? Honestly.

Naming Self-Sabotage And Its Roots

Marriage, Overgiving, And Chasing Acceptance

The Ex, Intuition, And Owning The Pattern

Business Boundaries And Silent Self-Betrayal

Fear, Worthiness, And Expert Perspectives

Guided Reflection And Choosing Yourself

“Save Myself” As Emotional Economics

Gratitude, Alignment, And Rewriting Patterns

Closing And Where To Connect

SPEAKER_01 0:25

Welcome back to Life's the Blog. Today's episode is raw. And it's honest and well overdue. We are talking about self-sabotage and the way it infiltrates your relationships, your work, your decisions, and the story you tell yourself about what you deserve. This episode starts in a therapy room in Stratford, where a single question changed everything for me. This week I sat across from my therapist, exhausted in a way that felt deeper than just being tired. And she could see it. She could hear it. She could feel the heaviness I've been carrying for far too long. And she didn't ease into it. She didn't soften the message. She went straight to the truth. After I explained all the health conditions that I'm feeling, my urgency, my despair, she asked me, she goes, Do you want to die or do you want to thrive? And I was caught back. It hit me so hard I couldn't even hold back the tears. I started tearing, which I very rarely do. It was the kind of question that doesn't ask for a polite answer. It demands honesty, it demands accountability, it demands that you stop running from yourself. She pushed she pushed me to name the why. She kept repeating the same pattern. Why do you overgive? Why do you chase? Why do you put yourself last? Why do you tie your worth to being wanted, accepted, and needed? And the answer came out of me before I could overthink it. I self-sabotage because I'm chasing acceptance. I self sabotage because being wanted feels like proof that I matter. I self-sabotage by doing for others until I collapse, hoping that someone will choose me in return. I self sabotage, and I have ever since I was very little. But she didn't flinch, she didn't coddle me, she told me something I had avoided admitting. You are building a life around earning acceptance instead of receiving it. And that is what's draining you. That is what's breaking your spirit, and that is what's compromising your health. I just sat there taken aback again and I cried. And I started thinking a wave of different examples of the way I was self-sabotaging myself, playing the victim, while knowing full well what I was doing. And it's become a turning point this week. A truth I can no longer outrun. The foundation of the episode you're hearing today, and the reason why I played Ed Sheeran's Save Myself song that we're going to dissect a little later. When I first separated from my ex-husband, there was a lot of back and forth. And I would say, you know, I did this for you, I did this for you, I did this for you. I did this so I could make your dreams come true. And he wrote back and he said, Trina, you made everybody's dreams come true. But even in him saying that and recognizing that, I didn't stop. I took that as fuel to keep doing more for everybody else, rather than taking the time and going, why do I make everybody's dream come true? And I'm not making my dreams come true. I think back to when I was married, and I had this blog called Life's a blog, and there were so many times that I utilized that and kind of the not power, but the connections I had to get people to come with me to serve something. You know, there was one time where my sister-in-law, we were in Gasby, and I needed someone to drive home with me. And I was like, you know what, come back with me. I got passes to. There was a concert in Kitchener with the Zack Brown band. I'm sure you can meet the property brothers. Well, I knew from the past that she's the ideal person that would cut me off in a heartbeat. You know, I we had the drive, I enjoyed it completely. She helped me through uh almost tornado. She didn't drive, I drove. She was a good co-pilot. And we went to this event, saw the concerts, met the Property brothers, and I always felt that made people happy. But at the end of the day, I probably wouldn't have gone by myself because it really didn't interest me. And I just think back on how much I've done for people, not for an applause, but for acceptance. And it really makes me sad. And as of late, I recognize the things that I've done since my separation from my ex-husband. I really gave everything up to allow his dream of being a service manager in Ottawa. And I'm still proud of it to this day that I gave up everything for his happiness. And then it continued. And I didn't realize it. You know, even with my ex-partner, I knew something was off. My gut told me that he was still emotionally tied to his ex-wife. He even kept her on his in his life insurance, which I thought was very bizarre. But he let me furnish his home. He let me invest in a life that wasn't his choosing. I added his name to the trailer to show how much I cared for him. And I bought a whole bunch of stuff even to this day. The shovel he's using for his driveway is something I bought. I think I thought buying people or making their dreams come true, like he loves Matt Lang Quebec, and I made so many connections where we were able to go to a concert and he met Matt Lang and he interviewed Matt Lang. I kind of made his dreams come true in a small little world. But the deepest truth was this. He didn't sabotage me. I sabotaged myself from saying, staying. It's entirely my fault because my gut, my instinct, my drinking all pointed to this was gonna end. Because whenever he could get back his ex, he would run. I overgave, I overfunctioned, I convinced myself that if I loved him hard enough, he would choose me. But self-sabotage always disguised itself as effort. It's working for a relationship instead of receiving one. It's proving your worth instead of living it. And he wouldn't and when he got sick, she took him back. The truth was undeniable. My intuition had been right all along. I just didn't want to believe it. And with all the money I spent and time invested, it was my fault because of self-sabotage. And you know, self-sabotage doesn't only show up in love, it also shows up in leadership and business. You know, in my business, and I absolutely love it, it's my dream. Owning a magazine, even in the toughest times, has been my dream. And I've been doing the bulk of the work in my partnership, producing at a level that simply doesn't match the compensation or the shared responsibilities. And instead of addressing it, I swallowed it because I wanted the business to succeed. Because I didn't want conflict, because I didn't want stonewalling or sta silence. But silence is not a strategy. Silence is self-sabotage. By not speaking up, I trained people to expect more from me than what was reasonable, healthier, sustainable. And I positioned myself as a safety net without ever demanding a net of my own. This is a classic self-sabotage in a business context. Doing the work of two people for the validation of one. And I've done that so many times. You know, the first magazine I worked for, the guy was a con artist, and I didn't realize it because he stroked me so much. That's actually just verbally. And at the end of the day, my intelligence kicked in. I realized he was stealing from people, and people had to know. People needed to know. And I spoke up and I made the person that saw all these activities speak up. It ended up in a huge legal battle. Not with me, but I ended up in Clayton Ruby's office in Yorkville. The guy was eventually found guilty for fraud over 5,000, which was much more than 5,000, but he played a good game with me. And even though my gut told me that he was kind of a con, I rolled the wave because I just wanted to please somebody. It often operates quietly in the background, disguised as avoidance or overgiving, perfectionism, staying silent or prioritizing others at your own expense. At the core, self-sabotage is a conflict between what you consistently want and what you subconsciously believe you deserve. People self-sabotage themselves when they fear rejection, abandonment, failure, success, confrontation, or losing control. It's not intentional harm. It's self-protection that has turned into self-limitation. Meaning you can't be all that you can be because you're so busy doing all these other things for acceptance. Dr. Brene Brown, a licensed clinical social worker and researcher on vulnerability and shame, offers a perspective that fits self-sabotage perfectly. Self-sabotage is really about laziness or failure. It's about fear. When we don't believe we are worthy of connection, success, or ease, we protect ourselves by destroying the very things we want. It keeps us from being disappointed, but it also keeps us from being alive. This aligns with what you what I experience in therapy. It reframes self-sabotage not as a character flaw, but as a protective mechanism gone wrong. And I can watch Gabor Mate, physician, trauma specialist, and author on TikTok all day long. And here's a quote from him: self-sabotage is not a failure of willpower, it's a respon response to unresolved pain when someone repeatedly undermines their own happiness because a wonderful part of them believes they are not worthy of more. And healing begins when we stop judging the behavior and start understanding the injury beneath it, which often comes from childhood, and it certainly does for me because all that silent treatment that I hate, and so many other things that I've tried to appease in my childhood for others is certainly the root cause of why I'm doing what I'm doing today. And I'm not living my best life because of it. So with these quotes, I want to give you a moment to turn inward. Because self-sabotage isn't something you hear about and instantly fix. It's something you gently start to recognize in yourself. And that recognition is where healing begins. So wherever you are, in your car, in your kitchen, walking the dog, curled up on the couch. Just take a breath. A real one. A breath that makes room for the truth we often avoid. I want you to ask yourself a few questions and take your time with them. Where in my life am I giving more than I receive? Think of your relationships, your job, friendships, the situation where the scales have been unbalanced for far too long. My relationships definitely. My job I've always given 100%. My friendships? They're balanced. But what about you? Number two. When did I start believing that I needed to overgive to be valued? Most of these beliefs didn't start in adulthood, but they were learned in childhood, reinforced in past relationships and shaped by old wounds. I think I started off in childhood. I just felt unhurt and I needed to overgive to feel that feeling of being wanted. Number three. What am I afraid of? What will happen if I stop over functioning? Will someone leave? Will someone be disappointed? Will the peace be disrupted? Will I finally have to face myself? Well, I would say in the last five years, especially the last year, yes. People will leave. People will be disappointed. Peace will be disrupted. And I've had to face myself. It's amazing how fear of facing what you need to face in order to live your best life. You may lose people. But in the end, I'm hoping at least that I'm gonna thrive and meet people that are far more healthier than the experiences and the people that I've met in the last little bit. I don't call it burning bridges anymore. I just call it burning the past. Who I was. And whether I did it in two weeks or the last two weeks or the last two months, it's who I was. Yesterday is who you were. Today is who you are. And the steps you take, and as scary as they are, to stop self-sabotaging yourself is so important. Number four, what would choosing myself look like in just one small area of my life? Not a huge overhaul, just one shift, one boundary, one conversation, one truth spoken out loud. You know, there's nothing more important than speaking your truth. I've learned that, and I've been doing it for the last few years, but on the flip side, I've been still self-sabotaging myself, still pleasing others, still making sure others' dreams are coming true. And for a very long time, I would drink myself to death. Where I'm finding the repercussions of it in the last few months. Because I drink class, I'm focusing more on myself, and I'm diving internally into all these wounds. And I'm so hoping that once I get through this, which I will, I'm a tough nut, but we're gonna, I'm hoping to see the light on the other side. And number five, how does my body respond when I even imagine choosing myself? Does it soften? Does it tense? Does it panic? Does it feel relief? In the past few days I had to really focus on one particular issue of my life, and I had chest pains, and I thought I had to go to the hospital, and that's when I saw my therapist, and she was very upfront with me about self sabotage. And I went home that evening and I thought I have to address. Because it's killing me. And I did. And that person has thrown threats my way, has not talked to me. But I can tell you the drive in me to succeed has increased like never before. And it feels so good. Dr. Gabel Romate reminds us that self-sabotage is not a moral failure. It's an old emotional industry in injury calling out for attention. So instead of judging your patterns, try understanding them. Try meeting them with compassion rather than shame. Because the moment you stop punishing yourself for the behavior, you create space to change it. And I want you to hold on to one truth as you reflect. You are not hard to love. You are not broken. You do not need to earn your worth. You are allowed to build a life that holds you, not drains you. And you are enough. So as always, I dissect a song and I played a little bit of it at first. And YouTube and Spotify may pause this podcast because of it. But I'm working my way, educating myself on how I can do this properly. So the song was Save Myself by Ed Sheeran. But I was very much a victim mentality. That the way I read the song was that it was more like a poor me song rather than a self-sabotage song. But now that I listened to it a little bit more closely, Save Myself is just not a song about exhaustion. It's a thesis on emotional management. It's a name of patterns. So many of us live inside without recognizing it. The belief that love is earned through sacrifice, the core message is simple. The implications are devastating. We are conditioned to believe that giving more makes us good. Giving endlessly makes us loyal. Giving until we break somehow makes us worthy. But what Ed Shearing calls out is the harsh reality behind that mindset. When you keep pouring yourself out for people who never replenish you, it is not generosity, it is self-abandonment. This song articulates the emotional economics of burnout. Because love, support, energy, and time are all currencies. And when you keep spending more than you receive, you go into emotional bankruptcy. And in my life, this mirrors the exact same patterns that I described to my therapist. I was giving to a partner who wasn't choosing me, giving in a business partnership without balanced contribution, given in spaces where my needs were dismissed, giving in ways that required me to shrink, quiet myself, or tolerate imbalance just to maintain the peace. For many people, the answer is rooted in old wounds, validation wounds, acceptance wounds, the fear of being unwanted, the fear of rocking the boat, the belief that we give enough, do enough, support enough, sacrifice enough. Some will finally see us, choose us, some want us. But the emotional cost is enormous. You lose sleep, you lose confidence, you lose boundaries, you lose yourself. The powerful thing about this song is that it reframes self-care not as an indulgence, but a survival. A strategic pivot, if you will. A restructuring of how you allocate your energy. You cannot build a f thriving life when you are operating at a deficit. You cannot create healthy relationships when you enter them overextended. You cannot lead, love, or heal when you are chronically depleted. And the hardest truth buried in Save Myself is this. Sometimes the people you give the most to are the ones who expect it. And the ones you give the least to include yourself. This song becomes the moment where you stop performing worthiness and start reclaiming it. It is not just about pulling back from others, it's about pulling yourself out of the emotional debt you didn't even realize you were carrying. It is a recognition that saving yourself is not selfish. It is necessary, it's foundational, it's the first step towards building a life that doesn't run on depletion, desperation, or overfunctioning. Save myself is the anthem for everyone who has ever mistaken overgiving for love and self-sacrifice for connection. And for myself, if it's the exact moment I'm in right now, the shift from survival to thriving, from chasing acceptance to choosing myself. So before I wrap this episode, I want to say something that might surprise you. I actually want to thank the people who took more from me than they were ever willing to give. Not because the imbalance was fair, not because the hurt was justified, but because those experienced became the teachers I never asked for, and the ones I clearly needed. The ones I poured into hoping they would see me, the ones I chased because I didn't know I deserved to be chosen, to the ones who kept me in a constant state of proving pleasing and performing, thank you. You mirrored the parts of me I didn't want to confront. The parts I believed acceptance had to be earned, that loved required sacrifice, and that my value was tied to how much I could endure. And to the and to the ones who also lived inside their own self-sabotage. The ones who couldn't meet me where I stood because they were too busy running from themselves. Thank you for showing me what alignment really means. I align with you because our wounds recognize each other. I stayed because my patterns felt familiar. And I laughed, or was left, because growth demands a new frequency. Your limitations revealed my own. Your silence exposed my silence. Your avoidance reflected my avoidance. And that clarity is a gift. A painful gift, but a gift nonetheless. And finally, I want to thank therapy. Not as a punishment, not as a place I go to fix myself, but as a space that teaches me to understand myself, honor myself, rebuild the parts I once handed away so easily. Therapy reminds me that I'm not the problem. Patterns are the problem. And patterns can be rewritten. Therapy has become a place where I finally meet myself with that apology where I learn to choose myself without guilt, where I stop performing worthiness and start living it. So as I close today's episode, I leave you with this. Be grateful for the people who revealed your wounds. Not because they deserved your devotion, but because they helped illuminate the work that was waiting inside of you. Be grateful for the version of you who kept trying. Even when you were exhausted. Be grateful for the chance to rise into a life that no longer asks you to shrink. And to my listeners, thank you for listening today. Thank you for growing with me. Thank you for being part of this journey towards a life that finally feels like it belongs to me. And you know, as always, you can follow me on LifeSublogca, on Facebook and Instagram, and you can also follow my little antics on TikTok, Life's Blogca, where I have no idea what I'm doing when I'm growing and learning and thriving. See you next week.