What Safety Really Means After Betrayal Trauma

In this deeply personal episode of Life A Blog, host Trina Stewart opens up about the painful unraveling of a 24-year marriage marked by hidden addictions, betrayal, and the slow erosion of emotional safety. From discovering lies about drug and sex addiction to facing the crushing realization that love alone can’t fix someone else's chaos, Trina shares her raw journey through heartbreak, survival, and self-reclamation.

She speaks candidly about seeking comfort in another relationship—only to find herself in a similar, if not more damaging, cycle. Through it all, she discovers that real safety doesn’t come from another person—it comes from finally choosing yourself.

This episode is for anyone who’s ever stayed too long, believed too deeply, or forgotten how it feels to truly exhale.
 With honesty, grit, and compassion, Trina reminds us:

“It’s okay to walk away from anything that no longer makes you feel safe.”

If this episode resonates with you, connect with Trina on Instagram and Facebook at @LifeABlogCA.

Transcript

Introduction to Safety and Trauma

Speaker 1 0:06

Hey everyone, welcome back to Life's a Blog. I'm Trina Stewart and today's episode is one I never thought I'd record. It's been really hard to try to continue on with this podcast. There's so many memories, so many triggers. I've talked about it in therapy and she's encouraged me to write more, speak more, talk more, because as I move forward, I've learned so many lessons that so few of us take the time to recognize. Recognize.

Speaker 1 0:44

So this episode is about safety. What I thought it was, how I lost it and how I'm rebuilding it piece by piece. Not the kind of safety you put on like a seatbelt, but the kind you feel in your nervous system, the kind that lets you exhale. I lived without that kind of safety for a long time, 52 years, in fact. Yes, I was married for over two decades and for much of that time I carried a secret I didn't even know. I was caring Because the truth was hidden, covered in lies Lies about drugs, lies about sex, lies that kept stacking until they became a wall I couldn't climb over anymore. When the truth started to unravel, when I found out about the drug abuse, the sex addiction, I was devastated. More than that, I was ashamed, and ashamed that I didn't see it sooner, ashamed that I thought I could fix it Because for so long I believed I just loved harder, forgave more, gave second, third, tenth chances. Maybe I could save him. It was a very hard time 2018. And I know many of you have went through much of the same and we all feel like we're walking alone, soul warriors, trying to find ourselves, while there's so many other women and men who have went through betrayal trauma For many years prior to the fact that pot became legal, I was absolutely against him smoking pot and I don't know if it was my gut that kept saying it was a gateway and he kept refuting it, or whether it was just my past with my brother that pot made me so scared that it was a gateway. I truly believe now that my sense me knowing him, I think my gut was telling me that this was a problem far deeper. I just didn't want to realize it.

The Painful Text Exchange

Speaker 1 2:56

So, november 16th 2018, I became very proficient at Google and Google History and Google Travel and Google Maps, and I found on his Google that he went to a dispensary after promising never to do drugs again and I said lies, lies, lies. Can you not tell the truth? Can you not tell the truth. This was at 6.35 am, three days after I learned about the indiscretion with sex, and his response was what are you on about? Remember that line? He said wow, the ego is massive. And yes, you did hurt me. You degraded me. Now you've hung up on me.

Speaker 1 3:46

Why the fuck do I bother? Work first, me last. This has always been the way. Have a good day. You've ruined my fucking life. This is not the first time.

Speaker 1 4:00

I hate a pot too, but you went right ahead and planted tons of pot plants right in our backyard. You've always done what you wanted, what you want, what you get. Well, don't call screaming at me while I'm. My heart is breaking in two, don't? I'm not the problem With me, it's us first. Always not anymore. No, I'm sorry, fuck you. Nothing, I got it. I am glad you slept so well last night because it's all about you. I ask nothing from you. Unlike many wives, I do whatever myself, so when I'm upset, I expect a little compassion, that's all. If you can't do that, then goodbye. I'm packing and going. You have zero problem chatting and looking at your ladies at work. Don't give me that poor excuse that you're busy. Your actions have sent me crazy and now it's my problem. Thank you, I see you fully the person you are.

Speaker 1 5:12

And then I went on to Google and I saw the text message he sent to me where he asked what are you on about? What are you on about this morning, you, dumb cow? That broke me in two and I wrote back dumb cow. Dumb cow was a screenshot you're a ducking piece of shit, calling me a dumb cow. If that's what I am to you, if that's what I meant to you duck you, dumb cow. I never saw you call your lady friends at once. And if that's all I am, if my hurt feelings mean nothing to you, what am I to do? I really thought you loved me, but dumb cow, after all you've done. Dumb cow, I got it. I'm a piece of shit to you. And his response was what the fuck? And that was this morning.

Speaker 1 6:05

It was a voice to text what are you fishing for? I wish I could go back. I love you and miss you. No, you don't. And I don't want to talk anymore past. Dumb cow. You said it. You may have sent, may have not sent it, but you said it. I'm packed, car is half-packed. I'm done with your lies. You have hurt and humiliated me to the core. I am dying inside what You're leaving me. Trina, what are you doing? The dumb cow was a giveaway of what you thought of me, but too coward to say the rest. Well, it's been years, I'm sorry. So how far back do we have to go? I have no clue. I'm clueless to your actions. I'm loving myself and respecting myself. I told you how did you find that it was not sent? It was a voice to text? Yes, it was. Then you hit delete before you hit send. I'm done with your Google history. I just don't care.

Speaker 1 7:08

After seeing that Hurt to the core, I'm done talking. You're not the man I thought you were. I loved you dearly and don't you dare take that away from me because you did those actions, not me. There's no talking to you. All you do to me is demean me. You make me feel like I'm less than you, make me feel like I'm a piece of shit. You and your actions has made me feel like I'm nothing. From the girls to planting pot plants, to taking pills, you're always disregarding my heart. My heart, my heart is broke. If you can't understand that, this is your problem, not mine to throw back in my face. I'm done fighting, done crying, even though I'm prepared for many tears. You've made me feel like I'm nothing and I think it's time to go. It's time to go.

Addiction and Loss of Trust

Speaker 1 7:55

I was so excited for this next chapter in my life. I mean that from the bottom of my heart, and your silence speak volumes. Right now, you do not understand. You will blame me in the end because your ego can't take the pain you've caused. I get it. I've always loved people to boost their egos and bring me down. This is something I have to work on, one of my biggest faults, to be honest, that I plan on seeking counseling for so I can have awesome relationships and work experiences going forward. His response I have over 250 emails. Phones will not stop ringing for me. I don't have the time, trina, I'm fucking dying over here.

Speaker 1 8:42

A very sad interaction. My heart was broke. I didn't know what to do. I felt so alone. But the biggest thing is I didn't know what to do. I felt so alone, but the biggest thing is I didn't feel safe. I'd go to bed at night and toss and turn, wondering what the next thing was going to happen, or the next thing I would see, or the next thing I'd find out? Or was he going to buy more drugs? Or was he going to find another woman? These were always huge things that made me scared and feel unsafe. I felt so safe with him for over 30 years we were 23 together and, I believe, 8 dating. I felt so safe with him until I felt safe no more.

Speaker 1 9:33

But here's the truth. Addiction is not something you can love someone out of, and when I realized I couldn't fix it, I lost something deeper than trust. I did lose my sense of safety In my own home, in my own marriage, in myself. The thing is you just don't wake up one day and feel unsafe. It creeps in slowly through missed calls, suspicious behavior, gut feelings you gaslight yourself over. I can remember suspicious behavior in my husband's relationship and my ex-partner's relationship that was identical. They were always in a rush to get off the phone. They would call, but then all of a sudden they'd be in a rush to get off the phone.

Running to Another Relationship

Speaker 1 10:28

But once I knew the truth, I never could unknow it. And every apology, every promise, every reset, it all started to feel hollow, like living in a house where the foundation is cracked and you're still trying to hang curtains. That's what those years became A slow erosion of peace, a silent war within myself over whether to stay or go. War within myself over whether to stay or go. And when you live that long in survival mode, you forget what real safety feels like. So when I finally left, I still didn't feel free. I was terribly broken and instead of sitting with that pain, I ran into something that felt easier A distraction, another man, more whiskey, laughter that barely touched the surface. I told myself I was starting over, but in truth I was numbing the grief of a 24-year life I couldn't fix. I thought I was choosing something better, but I was choosing something different, with the same core wound. He had his own addictions and his own chaos. Oh my God, he had his own chaos.

Speaker 1 11:42

I moved in, I dated for a long time, but there was a lot of chaos with the ex. And then I moved in. I found myself unsafe, just in a different disguise. The second relationship wasn't softer. It was actually much louder. There were different lies, different portrayals, but the same ache in my chest. The second relationship wasn't softer. It was actually much louder. There were different lies, different portrayals, but the same ache in my chest, the same knot in my stomach the same fear of speaking up because I didn't want to be too much or too sensitive.

Speaker 1 12:17

This time it also included the silent treatment, which is probably the biggest emotional torture anybody can do. And then I realized this isn't love, this isn't safety, this is me clinging to someone else's storm, hoping they'd learn to become my shelter. And it hit me. If I didn't choose myself, no one ever would I had to set some non-negotiables. Ever would I had to set some non-negotiables. One was the silent treatment is not going to happen ever again. I will not tolerate it, not with him, not with anybody in my life. The silent treatment, like I said, I feel is the biggest emotional, abusive action you can take upon anybody that you love. The second was talking to his ex-wife. There had been so much drama and trauma that happened due to her chaos. I lost a best friend and this relationship really didn't feel secure because of that interaction or those interactions, so many interactions. It was sick, abusive and just not right. And if he chose the abuse, that was his decision to make. But I wasn't risking my safety being with him or conversing with him or being a friend to him, knowing the harm that could be caused in the future.

Setting Non-Negotiables

Finding True Safety and Peace

Speaker 1 14:04

So now, what do I do? Safety isn't perfect or endless peace. It's waking up and knowing I don't have to lie to myself anymore. It's therapy, it's stillness, it's letting go of people who couldn't protect me, even if they said they loved me. I'm still healing. I still carry the weight, but I no longer carry it for anyone else, and that's freedom, that's safety. I can go to bed at night, close my eyes and know that the people I've chosen in my life will not hurt me, because I'm very cautious of those who will hurt me. My best friend even tried to come back in my life and, knowing that she didn't stand up for me after 24 years of friendship years of friendship Based on the fact that I was seeing this guy I can't allow her in my life again. I don't back to the House I Built Me by Miranda Lambert. I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. For a while, I believed going back would fix me back to who I was before, lies before the betrayal, would fix me Back to who I was before lies before the betrayal. But now, victoriously. I know I can't go back, so I built something new One day, one truth, one boundary at a time.

Speaker 1 16:27

The only piece of advice I can give to anyone listening is it's okay to walk away from anything that no longer makes you feel safe.

Speaker 1 16:36

It's okay to grieve the version of yourself that stayed too long and it's okay to start again. You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be whole, but you can choose to become whole yourself. It doesn't matter if it's a relationship, a work environment, your parents, your siblings. If you don't feel safe, that hardcore nervous system butterflies in your belly unsafe, walk away. It'll be hard, there will be a lot of guilt thrown at you, but you have to stay strong and you have to forge ahead for you, because you are the one that matters. So thank you again for being here with me. You can always connect with me on Instagram and Facebook at Life's the Blog, ca. I think I'm going to close it off now. This has been quite overwhelming for me. So until next time, be gentle, be gentle, be gentle with yourself, be kind to yourself, treat yourself and don't apologize for choosing peace, because we all deserve a little peace in our life. Don't we Take care?